Kids and Clothes

When you don’t like their choices, is battling inevitable?

A thrifty way to defuse the battle

These fashion-savvy shoppers outfit themselves without straining the family budget at Goodwill in Allentown. In photo (l-r), Stephanie, Patricia, Kristen, Erin, David and Gabriel hold their finds—purchased for a grand total of $40. For a list of resale stores in the Lehigh Valley, click here.

“You’re not going out in that.” For many families, these are classic fighting words. Sure, clothing may be a vital expression of your child’s emerging personality—but it’s also a major cause of war. How can you win? First, understand that clothing really is a vital expression of your child’s emerging personality. And it can start very young, says Barbara Katz, M.D., pediatrician and adolescent medicine specialist at Lehigh Valley Hospital and Health Network: “At 18 months, my daughter could barely talk but made it clear she wanted dresses, not pants.”

For young children, clothing can be a first chance to make choices and try on roles. It’s why little ones love playing dress-up. Some assert their independence by insisting on a shiny raincoat, or the same shirt every day. Let them wear that favorite shirt, says Katz’ colleague, psychiatric social worker Rosanne Teders. “Buy two, so you can wash one while they’re wearing the other.”

As they progress through elementary school, some children care deeply about clothes while others ignore them. Obliviousness might sound appealing—until your child heads out into the snow in shorts. Up to a point, Teders says, this can be a learning experience. “If you say, ‘Wear a jacket’ and they go out without one and freeze, next time they’ll wear a jacket. But no flip-flops in the snow—I draw the line at frostbite.”

The clothing battle heats up considerably at puberty. “For girls, peer pressure can kick in as early as age 8,” Katz says. “Girls tend to be much more cliquish than boys and less accepting of people who dress differently. At this age, clothing can define you.”

And if your 11-year-old wants to define herself as Britney Spears? “Preteens are very impatient to grow up,” Teders says. “Also, they’re entering a naturally rebellious life stage.” In a culture flooded with sexual imagery, it’s no wonder they love those skimpy outfits. If your particular adolescent favors all-black and body piercings, or baggy shorts on the brink of falling down, you know outrageousness can take many forms.

Relax—it all settles down later, as teens grow more confident in their bodies and personal style. Meanwhile, here are some strategies for you:

Pick your battles. “Don’t bother arguing over clothes unless it’s an occasion that really matters,” Katz says. “There are so many other, more important things.”

Set boundaries. Just like schools (see at right), families can have dress codes. “It’s your job to set the ground rules and make your kids follow them,” Teders says. “If they get mad, they’ll get over it.”

Be flexible within the rules. Give young children simple choices, like “You need long pants today—do you want the green or blue ones?” Older children can make more sophisticated dressing decisions.

Have a clothing budget. So your preteen wants a $70 pair of jeans. Her options: blowing her whole budget on the jeans, buying a cheaper pair, or chipping in some of her own money. “It’s an ideal opportunity to problem-solve as a team,” Teders says, “and to teach budget and finance, because this is something kids care deeply about.”

Teach savvy shopping. At vintage or thrift shops, girls can indulge their changing tastes inexpensively. Other creative budget-stretchers: clothes swaps and learning to sew.

Talk about it. It’s not easy to discuss sensitive topics like the risks of wearing provocative clothes—but it’s essential. “Preteens are too young to handle the responsibility of sexuality,” Teders says. This shouldn’t be a one-time talk, but a regular habit of two-way communication.

Be watchful. “Clothing is a symbol of what else is going on in a young person’s life,” Katz says. It’s not about the particular style—goths are no more or less likely to use drugs than preppies. “The red flag,” Teders says, “is a sudden change in style or peer group. That can be a signal of an underlying problem.”

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